Memoirs of a Rapist

Posted: January 27, 2013 by Ankita in Opinions
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

This is a guest post by a guy who wants to put across a very strong point. Let NO mean NO, and not “try harder”. A must read for all girls-

No means No

First, let me tell you about myself.

I am your average guy. I come from a middle class family. I worked hard to clear my exams. I have a well paying job. I have travelled to Europe on many occasions. I love gadgets. I love cars. I love movies. I love girls.

I am decent looking. I am charming. I have had many girlfriends.

I am also a rapist.

Now that I have your attention, please read through the entire blog post before you judge me.

All this talk about rape being the fault of the victim has gotten me thinking. Who in their right mind can make a disgusting claim like that? Will we eventually start hearing people say that the victims of 26/11 were at fault for the massacre? Will earthquake victims of Bhuj be blamed for the earthquake?

Bottom line: I think whoever puts even an iota of the blame of a rape on the victim is plain stupid.



And this is a very sensitive “but” – and I completely understand the implications of what I am about to say, hence the double disclaimer – I also think there are things girls can do to avoid such incidents.

I know feminists will want to hunt me down and castrate me just for suggesting this, but please read the entire post before you judge me.

Personally, I believe that every individual has a duty towards self-preservation, so discussing these ideas is not counter-productive to getting the debate going forward on how men should change their mindset. The menace of sexual assault is so disturbing that we need to find solutions across multiple dimensions. Getting men to re-wire their brain is one such dimension. Getting women to be careful is another dimension. They are not mutually exclusive.

Enough has been written about what girls can do (or should not do) to avoid putting themselves in such dangerous situations. I am not going to repeat any of that here. What I do want to touch upon is something that I have never seen mentioned anywhere.

Maintaining the sanctity of the word NO.

This is where I must digress to my personal experience. I have dated a lot of women. I have slept with a lot of them too. I am not trying to brag, please understand that I am trying to make a point here. Having been that intimate with many women, I have what many of you would call data-points. That would not be my first choice of words, I don’t treat women as objects or numbers, but I am trying to make a point here. So please keep up.

Women that I have known for a long time, that I have even been intimate with, who have even confessed they love those moments of passion with me, tend to play a very dangerous game of “hard-to-get” with me. This is where they pretend they are not interested in sex, or make me work hard to “get” them. I say pretend because they readily accept later that they did want to get intimate with me just as much as I did, but the “game” is either an “adaa” of theirs, or a moral defense mechanism to avoid guilt later, or a way to show they are not really the “fast” kind. Either ways, if it has happened with me, I can assure you it has happened with many people out there.

I call this game dangerous because of the kind of precedent is sets. It essentially says that all that “NO” was a big farce. It tells a guy that NO does not really mean NO. That it just means you need to try harder. (You see where I am going with this?)

I look back at my experience with girls, and this shocking trend emerges. I see self made sex movies on the Internet of people and this trend becomes stronger. You may remember there was a sex scandal on the JNU campus that broke. Everyone talked about it. Many actually watched it. What no one pointed out in that video was that for the first 3 minutes or so, the girl (apparently already in a physical relationship with the guy) kept pushing the guy away. She vehemently keeps saying no. She ends up using all her physical strength to defend herself. So much so, that the guy had to eventually get violent just to “get” the girl. Shockingly, once the guy “gets” her, the girl is seeing enjoying the experience, even encouraging him to go further, almost as if the NO meant absolutely nothing. This is very similar to many home made sex videos you will find on the Internet. This sadly, must even be very true of what happens in many bedrooms across our country. In each of these situations, guys are being given the wrong message and the sanctity of NO being systematically destroyed.

Western civilizations take such NO very seriously. As a guest in a westerners home, if you say NO to another helping of their delicious pasta, you can be sure you won’t be asked again. Contrast that with India, where saying NO is probably the first response by default. Here, the host is expected to “fight through” your NO to come across as being genuinely hospitable. Combine that basic sense of “manners” with the dangerous “game” some women play and you have the beginnings of rape – specifically date rape.

This leads me to the point I am trying to make in this post. Of the many things we’re trying to do to reduce the incidents of rape, somewhere we need to start educating women to uphold the sanctity of NO. Let guys not be confused even in the slightest way about what the NO really means. It has always, and should always, mean JUST  NO.

Let women make this promise to their partners, they will say NO only when they really mean it. Let guys be clear with their partners, even a subtle NO will make them step back so their partners should be very clear about what message they send out.

Sure the timeless “adaa” of playing hard to get suffers, but atleast we get to see some real results on the ground. A fairly large percentage of date rape cases (sorry I don’t have numbers, I am just sharing my experience here) are attributed to an assumption that the girl didn’t seriously mean to say NO, she just said it because that is what she usually says in such situations. If even a fraction of those rapes can be avoided, I say it’s okay to wipe our hands clean of that “adaa” in the larger interest.

Sure there will many cases of rape where the animal inside just takes over, and these kinds of precautions won’t be of any use. But the one in a billion case of date rape that can be avoided because of this mindset change merits that kind of attention.

I for one have decided to change my moral bearings now. If a woman says NO even playfully, I will stop.

  1. chanda says:

    so u r rapist?

    • Chanda, I really doubt if that is even the point. The writer is showing us all a mirror. Perhaps in the greater context, even when it is not sexual in nature, are we all not a little bit guilty of rape if we disrespect the sanctity of the word no?

      As a side note, in my opinion to your question, the writer may not be a rapist in the classical sense of the word. However, it does seem like he is willing to count himself as one only because he is trying to make a point.

  2. Whoever the guest writer is, Kudos to him for putting out a male perspective, factual in the Indian context most of the times, and getting prepared to get kicked in the butt for airing his personally experienced views 🙂

    You are bold mate and not all may take this lightly, from the Womens side. But I must second you on the many facts stated here and do concur that there is an insensitivity to the Indian NO as opposed to a Western NO. Perhaps the life line is in that difference and as you concluded, once that is understood by both the Indian Male and Females, Rapes would most certainly decline in proportion to what it is now.

  3. This is one of the finest articles on the subject. Shocking that no one has attacked this issue from this angle as yet. At some level, we’re all guilty of destroying the sanctity of the word no. Yet, at some level, does one really need to treat both kinds of no differently? Is it not inherently obvious that one of kind of no is far more serious?

    I don’t know. I am just playing devil’s advocate. Very good article nonetheless.

  4. This is a wonderful article. As a woman, and as a young girl, it pained me when women themselves destroyed the sanctity of ‘NO’. For me, No ALWAYS meant a no, not ‘please try harder’. Unfortunately, I did realize at some point that there WERE females who used this ‘adaa’ for various reasons. It percolated down from the days of yore when a Hindi movie hero would sing songs for first half of the movie to woo the heroine even when she firmly said ‘No’ and yet ALWAYS managed to win her.

    It’s a cultural war that we have to wage at different levels of social psyche in today’s India. Boys learning in middle school that girls are objects who are sent on this planet for one purpose only – to satisfy them, while the same age females glean on Mills and Boons and dream of nights in shining armour who will woo, them, romance them and nurture them, two set of mindset that are as far apart as Pluto is from Mercury. It does not help that their roles models at home don’t suit either of the mould.

  5. Ankita says:

    Very well written post. And yes, it does ring a bell in the head.

  6. LoneStar says:

    I fully agree with the points made in this article. We should not get to the point where guys feel that a NO means try harder, otherwise when they are in situations where a girl really means NO, they will just think they need to try harder and in the end will say that the girl was basically asking for it. Although this is a very sick excuse, after having read this article I can at least come to understand why some guys even think of making such statements. I still don’t agree with it, but I can see why it gets made. Congratulations to JFW for publishing such a bold article. Goes to show you are not being biased in your approach to addressing issues that women face.

  7. Deepak Bajaj says:

    Our culture of “teri na mein bhi haan hai” has to just stop. How many women can tell their lovers yes I want you too? In a way the liberal women are doing more to maintain the sanctity of no. What a shame we crucify them the most!

  8. Kavita Dua says:

    About time the hypocrisy ended. If girls want it, they must never be deceptive about it.

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